Basements

It's too late tonight to start, but my thoughts are on de-cluttering, especially the basement.  I want to simultaneously clean out my actual house basement and my brain basement. 
I have begun by contemplating just what's in my actual basement.  Honestly, the whole house has problems but the basement is the last place I want anyone to go in my house. It's a convenient most-of-the-time-out-of-sight place where stuff is stored or put when it just no longer fits upstairs.  It's where the dirty laundry goes and gets laundered.  And.. my basement has an odor... an I'm-not-quite-properly-heated, -de-humidified, -nor-thoroughly-cleaned-space odor. 
My brain basement is not terribly different in regard to storage: genetics, experiences/memories, emotions, habits, and beliefs all reside there.  Necessary life processing occurs there.
However, lack of adequate environmental controls can stench my brain, especially when it comes to habits, keeping emotions in check with reality, and letting some memories occupy more space and time than is useful or healthy. 
I'm not going to forget my past; but I'm not going to dwell on it either. 
Unlike boxes of college work or old magazine subscriptions, I can't recycle my memories and experiences.  But if I put my memories and experiences in an environment that is more sterile and free of judgment, only seeing them for what they are/were, I might be able to make clearer choices about how to live aspects of my life. 
On that note, I am in the process of making a very difficult but necessary mental health decision.  Out of self-respect, I am tempted to withdraw; to no longer put myself in a place where I have to deny my past because others cannot face it; to pretend all is well, when it certainly is not (how can it be with so much denial and lack of reconciliation?!); to be in the presence of my abuser and full of memory, anxiety, and worry for all children's safety. Worry leaves the question though, might I somehow be punishing myself by withdrawing, by excluding myself?  But no, that's just a lie to keep me where I am, keep me in a place I don't want to be... Denying the cut that was made, ignoring a wound that can't quite heal.
The worst and best part will be the declaration; declining a get-together unless certain terms can be agreed to.  I have no idea how this will turn out.  All I know is I cannot go on year after year this way.  I must embrace those that care and let go of those who don't/can't.

Facing the Music

So I've started this blog and the worry has set in already.... I've been reading a book called, "How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People". Oddly enough, I am borrowing it to gain a few insights on the anger my daughter experiences at times and how to deal with it, but have found that... ut oh! I'm an emotionally explosive person myself!!!! Ah!!!  But I'm the depressed type; not so much the angry type (though not anger-free, to be sure).  The worry?  Well, you all know bits of my past... Perhaps I've dumped my load into a conversation or two with each of you (sorry).  I don't want this blog to become a place where I dump and you attempt to pump me back up.  I know this construction project of me is my own.  I probably won't go into great detail whatever I'm dealing with but through this blog I am communicating a desire for support and seeking affirmation, insights, tips, things that work for you in like scenarios.

The last week or so I've been soul-searching on musical direction as well as doing some thinking on family issues.  I've had bursts of wonderful creativity as I seek clarity.  (One song completed, for now! A few more I'm working on! I'll try to find a private way to share it with y'all!  I'm so excited about it!) Though I am appreciative of all the ideas, I won't say it has been easy or totally fun.  In fact, my latest song idea, "I need to face the music..." might demonstrate the work involved.

Trying on a Bold Color (I've always wanted to do that on a wall in my actual house!)
I take the fluxes in my music and family life seriously.  I struggle with direction in great part due to fear.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings; I don't want to disappoint; I don't want to burn any bridges.  Likewise, I fear rejection.  My latest task involves me not rejecting me; instead, honoring the direction I want to take and being brave enough to go.  I cannot hold on to people that make me feel unimportant or uncomfortable.  If something isn't working: try to amend, but if it continues to not work, back away.  It's okay to back away, withdraw, or redraw the relationships - create a new format to function within. 

Question: What situations warrant backing away without making amends?

Would you back away or withdraw from someone who got so angry they didn't talk to you for a week (when ordinarily you communicate nearly daily)?
Can a relationship continue without acceptance of past events? 

Project Underway... Wanna See?

I like to view my life as a project with many projects within:  a sort of House of Self. Every house has its advantages and some shortcomings.  Your House will have its share of trips to the hardware store and visits by skilled tinkerers.  After all, stuff gets broken. But, it will also have the excitement of new experiences (the paint, flooring, furnishings, company) as well as quiet, reflective times.  Right now, I am reflecting and scanning my environs for priorities, to get both my personal house and actual house in order.  Lots of projects to decide on.

To continue my metaphor though (as a first post/introduction to this blog)....

The House of Self is constructed originally by parental design but the furnishings, the decor, and the utility get selected, designed, and rearranged by ourselves.  Not without parental influence, we start off with ideas of how we think life looks based on what's been set up for us.  Our schooling, family life beyond the home, neighbors, friends, and other community members factor in a great deal as well. 

Our instrument nook, just after construction.* 

The House of Self (Life) isn't really static:  change is happening whether we participate or not (I try to be active but do have down times).  Our House is constantly changing: some furniture gets replaced with fresh ideas; walls get colored on and need a good cleaning (and possibly new paint job); a pane of glass may break leading to a new perspective and a clearer window; a room gets too small so walls come down to open up for bigger ideas.  A tornado could come and tear you to the ground, but your home (You) will still be there, at least mentally connected to that spot. We can rebuild ourselves with the memories (fun and adverse) but under the design of new or revised direction, hope, and encouraging atmosphere.

I hope, by sharing, I will be more accountable to myself, encouraging to others, and expand my thoughts about life management (with the help of others' perspectives). 

Here's to personal evolution.  May the journey not be without company. 

*The instrument nook is an example of taking some dead space in the hidden closet and combining it with existing curio display area space, adjusting the space for our needs:  getting instruments out of the reach of a child on the way and encourage us to play more.  (Instruments in cases are hard to see = not playing them often)